Thanksgiving

The holidays are going to be tough. I figured that out yesterday when I couldn't stop crying long enough to tie my shoes. I have a cold, so everyone assumed my eyes were red from that. When I told Wayne about it last night, he was upset with me for not letting him know so he could help me feel better. I understand that, but I'm afraid to let him know when I'm feeling the worst, because I'm afraid to let him down or I'll share how I'm feeling and it will upset him. Yesterday, I kept thinking how different last Thanksgiving was. Last Thanksgiving I was meeting his family for the first time, and we were happily telling them about our plans to get married... planning for children soon after.

I keep thinking how the actual surgery and sickness would be scarier alone, but having the hysterectomy would have been easier probably, just because it would only affect me. I would be single, no prospects on the horizon, and I would figure it just wasn't meant to be for me to have kids. I could be like several other single women I've encountered who had to have the surgery - they happily had the useless organ removed so they never had to worry about kids, etc...

Meanwhile, every time Wayne meets someone new and makes new friends, I'm reminded what a great guy he is. He would be a great catch for anyone, and somehow I got lucky enough for him to fall in love with me... but I'm broken. If I were out of the picture, I'm sure he could find another women in no time that would be able to give him the children he deserves. But I love him, I could never let him go, and he loves me. We're stuck with my broken body, and it makes me feel like such a failure... I can't quite figure out how to get past that.

Well, I have more thoughts flailing around, but I've got a dinner to get to and I need to get ready.

Gotta have...

So we got our free subscription to sirius and this came on the 80s channel. One of my long time favs.
One year after getting engaged and planning on a family, it's official that the only thing my uterus will ever grow is cancer. I will need to have the hysterectomy, and will know when Monday after meeting with my original oncologist. I probably wasted to much time with the second opinion. I'm sick of everyone being so fucking positive about the outcome because it's never held true.  I was bleeding and assured it was just a problem with the pill, no big deal... Well it's not the pill, but don't worry, it's not cancer. Well, it is cancer, but here's a pill, you'll still be able to have babies. Well the pill isn't working, but we can cure it with this surgery and you can freeze embryos. Fucking forgive me if I don't believe it.  I read the first actual report of my current status today (I recognize most patients wouldn't understand the jargon, but I do... I probably should have been reading the pathology all along). Anyway I noticed it mentioned some lymph nodes that are growing, and they have not ruled out local metastasis. I'm fairly pessimistic at this stage.  The only lucky part of any of this, was I have a wonderful partner who had been right here going through all of this with me.
I guess I was trying to believe the optimism, but the way the doctors look at me has changed, so I don't think there is much cause for hope now. I'm afraid I waited to long, and I might lose my ovaries now and then there is definitely no chance for a family, even by surrogate.  There is definitely a chance of radiation... And if I weren't knowledgeable about doctor jargon, I'd have no clue about that. At least the fertility doc said my ovaries are good at the moment.