Gotta have...

So we got our free subscription to sirius and this came on the 80s channel. One of my long time favs.
One year after getting engaged and planning on a family, it's official that the only thing my uterus will ever grow is cancer. I will need to have the hysterectomy, and will know when Monday after meeting with my original oncologist. I probably wasted to much time with the second opinion. I'm sick of everyone being so fucking positive about the outcome because it's never held true.  I was bleeding and assured it was just a problem with the pill, no big deal... Well it's not the pill, but don't worry, it's not cancer. Well, it is cancer, but here's a pill, you'll still be able to have babies. Well the pill isn't working, but we can cure it with this surgery and you can freeze embryos. Fucking forgive me if I don't believe it.  I read the first actual report of my current status today (I recognize most patients wouldn't understand the jargon, but I do... I probably should have been reading the pathology all along). Anyway I noticed it mentioned some lymph nodes that are growing, and they have not ruled out local metastasis. I'm fairly pessimistic at this stage.  The only lucky part of any of this, was I have a wonderful partner who had been right here going through all of this with me.
I guess I was trying to believe the optimism, but the way the doctors look at me has changed, so I don't think there is much cause for hope now. I'm afraid I waited to long, and I might lose my ovaries now and then there is definitely no chance for a family, even by surrogate.  There is definitely a chance of radiation... And if I weren't knowledgeable about doctor jargon, I'd have no clue about that. At least the fertility doc said my ovaries are good at the moment.