I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm playing a ridiculous video game with my husband, and I don't play games or really get that invested in them, and he's convinced me to do the PVP... and in a few short chat messages, the other players, who are probably 12 year old boys had reduced me to tears. These are probably stupid kids, the kind that I can easily reduce to little blubbering boys with a look and a few words... and I feel like the idiot. I was crying so much I couldn't hardly click the freaking mouse. That's not normal. I don't know what's wrong with me - and I feel all crappy and shaky now and on the verge of tears. I managed to hold it together and not log off in the middle of the game, but it totally ruined what was a very good mood. Wayne even says I did very well for my first game, and I don't feel I did that bad.
Even as I was crying, I felt the craziness of the moment. The sheer absurdity that complete strangers saying a couple stupid things would upset me! I endure middle school hatred daily, as I force them to do things for their own good, and it doesn't faze me. I don't care that much about games, I knew it was my first game, not to expect much... so why was I crying? I can't have something like that happen to me during school. Even twenty, thirty minutes later now I feel cold. I can look objectively at myself and the event and think how stupid... but I can't make my emotions match my logical mind.
Every post I write starts in my head. A thought or song flits through and I start composing. I do this with stories too... usually by the time I sit down to type or write, I've got a general skeleton in my mind, or at least a significant theme or thesis, or whatever. Tonight, I've been composing in my head, but it's been about twenty different beginnings of posts... so probably very stream of consciousness tonight.
It started when I burst into tears while watching TV. There was a kid in some show, doing something, and it made me cry of course. Then I was thinking about after the surgery, how my friends will say "You're so lucky, you don't have to worry about the hassle of your period anymore." Which, yes, I would love to stop bleeding. Nearly a year of it is enough. But, many of these friends will have children... and all I will think is you're so lucky, you have a child. You have a family and a legacy and were able to use your female parts for something worthwhile. All the while, I'll have to smile and say "Yeah, you're right... I don't have to worry about that."
I feel torn about alone time. Right now, I'm alone in the house, because hubby is watching my grandmother at my parents. My grandmother has dementia and can't be left alone. I might have gone with him, but I wanted a little alone time and figured I'd get some work down. I did get a little work done, but very quickly I began to spiral down emotionally - but that might have just been the unfortunate scenes on the shows I saw. One show had a coincidental storyline in which a father was sending his only daughter off to college. They reminisced about him looking for monsters under the bed... I cried. It wasn't even that poignant, and it's not really that type of show - but I cried. I don't like my blog to sound repetitive - probably why I never really had one, because I was afraid of being too dull and repeating myself with nothing important to say - and here I am, crying once again over the fact I won't be able to have children.
I suppose I should be all excited that next Thursday is the big second opinion, that there might be some sort of hope... but as I've always said, it's hope that kills. If you want to truly torture someone, give them hope that they can escape... hope that it will end... then rip it from them. That is how you break someone's spirit. I was so afraid of the hope that filled me last year at this time. I was in a new relationship, that I knew would be the big one... Actually, next Thursday is the anniversary of our engagement. It was so exciting - planning a future and a family. Promising him my children would be his... now I have to work to relax when he talks about his ex step kids, because I realize that unless he finds another woman outside our marriage, those children may be the only ones he ever has. I had false advertisement, saying I was ready for babies, and I thought he would be a wonderful father for them - as if I had the choice. My body at that point had already been conspiring against me. Such a great practical joke.
Meanwhile, work is crazy. I can't seem to catch up or keep up. I don't think it's the cancer necessarily. My energy isn't too terrible - but I think some of it is the fact I have cancer, and going home I don't have as much to do, and then I'm reminded of what our home will not be used for... and it's like ghosts running through the house. So I think I might be doing more than I need to at work. As a teacher, there is always more I could do... especially as a science teacher. There is new research to read and implement, there are new lessons or labs I could design, technologies to integrate, budgets to plan, there are parents to call, children to tutor... the list goes on and on and on. And somehow, this year, I'm finding myself working on more and more. There are some new things in place that I think are adding to my work load, because many of the other teachers are feeling the same way, but I think maybe it's more.. or maybe I'm paranoid, and it really is just insane at work this year.
Well, anyway - Wayne's home and I've lost my train of thought now... probably a good train to derail.
I really liked this song today, playing it in Wayne's car with the subwoofer bumping :D Baseline reminds me of some old rap song I can't quite place at the moment. It will come to me eventually. I don't think Wayne likes this song though - but not everyone can have fabulous taste like me.
So my parents asked if we were going to church yesterday. I think they blame Wayne, which I feel a little bad about. I also feel a little bad about letting my parents down. What I don't feel bad about is skipping church. I think I've fallen into being an agnostic. I was considering this today, and it's a little depressing to think most of my life I've been deluding myself. However, after a life of seemingly being led and directed and carried when necessary, I've been left completely by myself. I'm the kind of girl who goes by her gut, and for whatever reason at many points through my life, my gut showed me ways I was being led by God or helped by God. I developed a very complex personal faith, that incorporated tenets from several major religions...
And my faith has been tested before - by people who questioned me and by circumstances and events in my life. Yet, I always came out stronger in my faith. Sometimes it changed - but it was always there. Now I feel something different - it's not even like I've been abandoned by God. I just don't feel that the deity I thought was there even exits. And you can't be abandoned by something that never was. Maybe I'll change my mind - maybe somehow this whole experience will open my eyes to some new level of enlightenment. Instead, I see a rather depressing experience ahead, devoid of uplifting life lessons. My eggs are good - which is nice - but my uterus will soon be gone. Which means, if we want children it will be quite expensive, all for the possibility it IVF might take in a stranger's womb... and then we have to somehow support our little family, when Wayne still can't find a job. It just doesn't seem like any of this could possibly work out, so I feel a little selfish trying to go through any of it, just because I feel the need to have a child. And why should I feel this need? I don't believe anymore that a God cares if we go forth and multiply, and I know the depressing statistics on human population and the thought of how close we could be to carrying capacity...
meh - I just don't know now. So I guess that makes me agnostic - I don't deny the possibility of a God (though if there is one, I doubt very much there is any thought given to the goings on of life here on Earth), but I doubt very much in the existence of such.
I'm posting from my new phone app, so I hope my imaginary audience will forgive randomly odd auto corrects. Like it just tried to change audience to silence... So ironic. I guess we all hope to toil under the delusion that our lives have meaning and significance enough that others, even strangers, would care to learn about them.
The song came to me from a dark time in my past. A good friend had just been tragically killed, after I had lost a large number of family members, and I was coming to the realization I could no longer progress in med school. Despite the fact I cried every time it came on the radio, it helped me persist. It helped me find significance and meaning in my life. I thought maybe it would help again.
I'm so overwhelmed by everything. I can't get caught up at work to save my life... I keep falling behind in my graduate course work... I feel like I'm neglecting an important new relationship in my life, and I worry about failing my husband. Then there is the complete uncertainty of when the surgery will be, our if it will be, because I went for a second opinion, and now I wish I hadn't because it will probably just cost us more money and time for a different doctor to say the same thing. Then money is always an issue. With Wayne still out of work, keeping my job becomes a serious worry, plus we have had to rely on my parents to help financially... And they offered to help make IVF with a surrogate happen, but the first fee we told them about related to the potentially 90,000 dollar process and I get grief from my mom. Awful thoughts fill my head.
I'm sure I need to talk to a therapist, but the process of finding one promises to be so fucking difficult I don't have the energy on top of all the other bullshit I'll have to find out - like how I'll be able to take off 6 weeks of work and still get paid...And still teach the students to pass the stupid test so I score well as a teacher on this new evaluation system, which I can't fully comment on, for fear of being scored poorly and losing my job. Then if by some miracle we have a baby by surrogate, I have to figure out if I can get maternity leave... And I have to alter my expectations and realize we'll be lucky to have one kid, forget two... But see, that's me being positive... At least it sounds like I expect to have a kid...
Then I avoid my best friend, whose going through a tough time, just because I selfishly don't want to be around a pregnant woman, and also feel guilty about the fact I'll survive my cancer, and her mom probably won't.
I guess I feel my main purpose is becoming my job again, which is something I had thought I moved past. So now it kills me I can't talk about my job, just because no one ever wants to hear about it. I'm back to where I was 6 years ago, when I would start to talk about my job, and quickly realized from the glazed looks no one really cared, they had just asked to be polite and I was one if the few people with a real job and no longer in grad school.
It's hard to be alone among people, and I think that makes the loneliness worse... Feeding the depression and the darker things. Then my usual methods for dealing with such emotions are cut off to me. Can't have sex, because of my issue... Can't eat because I really want to lose the weight again and be able to wear my rings... Can't cut or burn because that's not really healthy, and I'm sure my husband would frown on that. My only recourse is to go numb, just like I was for so many years when everything was in black and white and meant to be forgotten. Of course, then I was supposed to somehow die young... I had figured I wouldn't make it to 25.
This song came on Pandora as I was working at school today, trying to get caught up on all the work I need to do. I started crying of course - I know I'm so lucky and so blessed to have my wonderful husband. It was only a year ago today that he had convinced me to drive up to Michigan and meet him in person. This year has been far too much of a roller coaster for me, but I feel so glad to have found Wayne during the course of it. It's not every day you find a soul mate, who is willing to do the work to stay soul mates through the good and the bad.
Just downloaded this new album from Fun. I like it...
This one got to me though:
I feel so all alone... no one's gonna fix me when I'm broke.
I also know I shouldn't feel this way - because I do have such great people in my life to support me, but my heart doesn't seem to listen to my mind.
I have nothing in particular on my mind. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by school and work at the moment. Then the cancer thing seems to fall behind, but I'm at this point where things are cascading fast so I can't really put anything off. I'm going to get a second opinion at the Massey Cancer Center. I'm pretty sure they will stay the same thing, considering how bad my symptoms have been this week. I was bleeding as bad as I was before the medicine, and the pain this past Wednesday night was so bad I didn't think I would be able to work the following day. It took a lot of pain killer before I felt normal enough to drag myself to bed and sleep. I went in to the doctor when I started bleeding again last week... or was it Monday? I can't remember now, it's just that bad... I think it was actually Friday. My mind is this jumbled mess.
I feel mad for no reason randomly, then I want to cry. When I'm at work, I feel like super teacher because if I pause for even a moment to consider things, I get too sad to do my job. So I throw myself into it, and hope for the best. I try not to think about what's going to happen to me when I'm helping a girl study because I'm the only one who's bothered to take the time to go through the flashcards with her. She's been failing quizzes for two weeks, and no parent bothers to do their job. And here, I could be a good parent, Wayne I know will be a good parent, and we can't have children because of my broken body. But I have to shove these thoughts to deal with later, and when later comes I feel crippled. My brain shuts off, and I then I can't get the other work I need to do done.
I didn't take a class last semester, because I got sick and just couldn't do it. I didn't know I had cancer at the time, but now I'm trying this class, and it's not too difficult, until of course this week. Suddenly we are piled high with assignments and work, and it's mostly the education B.S. stuff, and I just don't have the energy for B.S. I just wrote these stupid "goals" for work, which is basically rolling the dice and randomly chose one of my classes for them to judge if I'm a good teacher based on the scores of these few students... so I'm sick of B.S.ing at the moment. I'll get through it I suppose... probably tomorrow... but I'm still behind on grading papers. The schedule I have makes it so pretty much every day there is more stuff to grade. I keep falling behind, and when I'm out, it's worse because then there are three or four things to grade.
Well, not so much sexy time. I am so tired and exhausted and just feel so completely unsexy. Too be honest, I think I'm a little nervous about sex at this point. Even though nothing has really physically changed from a week ago, I just feel like I won't be able to satisfy now. It's such a ridiculous thought (I am good, after all ;), but it's been running through my mind this week. It's totally killed my libido. I feel like I should be horny, but I'm not... how odd is that?
