Floating

So chemo started last week - it's been a whole week now. It was kind of a nightmare, because they couldn't get the port line in and had to put a PICC in, which was painful and awful. Fortunately they took that out Tuesday, but I nearly passed out when that happened. It might have been a hot flash hit me the same time some medicine hit me, but my skin was flushed white except my face that was splotched beet red. Soon after, I found out I'm anemic too, so trying to keep that under control with iron supplements, meat and lots of iron rich greens.

Meanwhile, Tuesday night I had some terrible gas, like a baby who just couldn't burp. After an hour or so of laying still, I finally started to drift off to sleep. Wayne was wrapped around me, but I had an out of body experience. I felt like I was floating miles away from him, just kind of held tethered by some thin strand. I wasn't myself anymore, and I could float away to a place where everything was different... floating backwards maybe and rewind a little over a year, to when I didn't have cancer. Now, being a science person, I'm completely aware that I had the cancer cells well before that, but it's fun sometimes to float into an imaginary world.

I feel rather disconnected from everything now. It's the end of the semester with my current students... normally I would be saying goodbyes and preparing for the next group. Instead I just kind of don't care, because I realize I won't be doing any work while on chemo. I'm so wiped, just taking a shower in the morning makes me feel like the most strenuous exercise mucking in the marsh! I unloaded the dishwasher and walked the dog today too... both quite wiping and now I'm too tired to even go to the couch and get another blanket to pile on top and keep me warm as the snow falls. I look in the mirror and see this alien face. My skin is getting drier, and whiter, and dark circles are appearing under my eyes. More eyelashes fall out everyday, so I know soon enough they will be gone too. I get splotchy and red, and my long hair is gone...

This alien creature has taken over my life, and ruined it. People check on me, and I have nothing to say, because I've done nothing. I accomplish nothing in the day - I get up, I shower sometimes (big event), I eat (another wiping event), I wander to the living room, watch tv, sleep, eat, wander to computer room... wander back... nap... eat... go to bed... Nothing accomplished in a day, and lazy is of course a major sin for me. I recognize I can't help it, and I'm not only still recovering from a major surgery, but also battling a major disease with the help of extreme poisons pumping through my body, but I feel like I'm just floating out of reach, beyond anything substantial, getting more and more disconnected from life and everyone.

What's wrong?

Everything is wrong

My own body betrayed me,  so the only thing my womb ever grew was a tumor.  The cancer ate at my insides,  and the doctors ripped out the rest.  I'll never be able to give you the children I wanted to.  I'll never have kids of my own.  Your ex step kids will always be just yours, and I can't complain when you mention them because I can't give you your own, even though it's a little stab in my heart everytime.

And tomorrow... Well in a few hours they will start pumping tons of toxic chemicals into my body hoping to stop this cancer.  It might not work. I might go through all this pain and misery and not even be here next Christmas. And if I were to die, I don't know how you would make it. I have to do all these things, like get the house in your name... And I don't know what you would do without my salary.

And we might not have much of my salary, because it all depends on if people at the doctors get it and write the right things in the blanks to convince the school system. 

And I want to be doing something useful and productive with my time, and I do love teaching, but right now I love it very much in the abstract... I get very tired thinking about trying to teach right now. Then I feel I'm failing my students, which is I guess the closest I'll come to "my" kids.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Physically or mentally

And I feel like it's all my fault and I'm just a burden to everyone.

And everything is wrong. Plan was that I should be several months pregnant now, planning maternity leave... not cancer. And it's not fucking fair someone can have six kids and never have to worry about her paid maternity leave being approved, but I'm sitting on pins and needles hoping I won't lose months of salary.

So everything is wrong, and you can't do anything about it, but I do like when you hold me.

The Eve

I feel unprepared. I feel nervous. I'm on the verge of tears at every moment it seems. I'm being short tempered I guess. My stomach is tied in knots, and I want to throw up (though I'm not nauseous).

Tomorrow is the first chemo treatment, and I get the port put in - and I'm so afraid I haven't done everything I was could have or should have. I don't know if I have enough stuff or if I'm taking too much stuff.

And I'm afraid that I'll go through all this and it won't work anyway.

10 Francs for Hair

Picked a song from Les Miserables because it's near the part where Fantine sells her hair for 10 Francs to send to her daughter's caretakers...

Which brings me to my haircut pictures. I've whacked it all off... and it's going to Locks of Love. I'll be sending it off Monday.

Here I am the last time with my hair...

 Hair up in a bunch of little ponytails to make it easier to cut.

 Wayne thought he should do the deed. I think his eyes were a little wet...

This is the Les Miserables pose...

This is all the hair! Lovely hair, I'll be sending to help a child in need.

Wayne shaved it to make everything even - down to a #3 on the beard trimmers.

The final results... not too bad I suppose.

 People keep telling me I look cute in short hair. So here's to the future... eventually I know I'll be totally bald, but for now I'll keep the little bit of hair I have left.

I also bought three wigs... I'll have to work on pictures of those. The little Korean lady who worked at the wig shop said "But she don't need wig... she look good."

Not sleepy

Watch "Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now" on YouTube
I feel tired all the time, and yet I can't sleep at 3am! Just going to the store for a couple items wears me out. I don't know how I can go back to school and teach with so little energy, but every one says I should focus on getting better... But I feel like a lazy couch potato, and lazy is a cardinal sin in my book.  I want to be able to work again, because it's something I do enjoy most of the time. I also feel like my mind is going, but that could also be the premature surgical menopause.  I was reading the lovely side effects of that, including heart disease, increased risk of heart attack and dementia... Because I'm not at a high enough risk for those things!

Meanwhile next post will need to be a hair post. I shaved my head, cut off all the hair and I'm going to send it to locks of love so a kid can get a nice wig. We also bought 3 wigs today. We'll see how I feel about using them. I feel like normal... I almost had this haircut once before in college. It was a mistake but I survived.  Hair is just hair... The only emotional part of shaving was that it makes the impending chemo way more real... Everything just feels way to drawn out, like the clock is ticking and the only one worried about it is me, because the hospital is booked up and too bad for me that these days might mean the difference between life and death.

But there is nothing I can do about it, so I have to breathe and try not to cry or worry or dwell on what will happen if I lose this battle. I have to take each day as it comes, and not worry if some days are lazy ones.  Every minute counts, but they don't all need to be action packed.  So far I haven't won the lottery, so I can't afford to do things that would be on a dream bucket list, or to pursue ways to adopt that only money can provide. I just have to focus on healing, which I guess means doing not much of anything at all that means anything.