No music

No song today. I don't feel any music. I feel empty and broken. The doctor confirmed my fears - hysterectomy is next move. We will see a fertility specialist soon to discuss egg harvesting and surrogacy. It's totally surreal. My husband is holding me and being so wonderful, and I think maybe if I close my eyes this last year will be a dream. Like Sliding Doors - I've been living my parallel life... but I won't have the cancer... I won't have Wayne either, but at the end of the movie she got her chance again with the guy anyway.

Everyone says I should be glad I'll survive... I won't die... I'll have my life. It's not fucking enough. I'm sorry. I guess I'm selfish. I don't give a shit about my life, not when it means I'm a broken woman. I'll be an empty shell, no different than a male to female post op tranny. And my faith broke too. I had a major "crisis" in faith once before, when a very good friend died senselessly. But still, the way I thought things worked still seemed to be in place. Now, I can see I've been delusional. My entire life, I've had delusions of grandeur (it's a clinical diagnosis) and I've let my delusions guide me. In reality, I should have started vitamin D and a better antidepressant cocktail back in med school, and I'd be a doctor right now. I'd have plenty enough money. I'd be alone. I might still have the cancer, but it wouldn't matter, because I would still not want kids.

It's so silly to mourn something I didn't even want until a couple years ago... to mourn children who never were. Yet I feel this certainty now that I haven't felt in a long time - there will be no children for me. And I've pulled my poor husband into this with me. He's a wonderful man, who charms everyone he meets, and could have married anyone. Unfortunately he chose me. He helped me believe in positive outcomes, but I just can't at the moment.

Unfortunately, I think I'm going to need to see a therapist again. I hate therapy, my thoughts are so dark. I keep waking up crying. The only time I don't want to cry is when I can numb myself... drugs, alcohol, sleep, work... whatever.