I'm also doing some journaling, but figured I might share some here too. After my fourth treatment, I got a cold which wiped me out, and now after my fifth, it's just like everything is catching up. I'm exhausted. It's a bone weary, joint aching kind of exhaustion that you should only get after doing something like building a stone fence from scratch or something. It makes me feel awful - because in my mind, laziness is a cardinal sin... and how lazy must I be to feel tired just from walking the dog down the steps? or showering - that is so ridiculously exhausting... And I'll get up and take a nap within an hour or two. But I need purpose in life, so I've been getting up to make Wayne his coffee, then the last two days I gave myself permission to go back to sleep until 11am, because, as Wayne reminds me, my job right now is to get better! And sleeping in just might help a little with that.
So, for the journaling, I found this bit online, and it seems to go well with where I am at the moment:
What are my mental, emotional, physical and spiritual needs? How can I nourish each need?
Mental needs: I need my mind to be active... I need to feel challenged. I love puzzles - not like jigsaws, or even puzzle books with two-minute mysteries to solve. I love real life - how do we get kids to learn better? how can we save the political system? How can I tell my boyfriend this? I would love to be an advice columnist. Real world puzzles are great because there is no right answer and there are a million possibilities. This is probably why I've been posting to various internet boards, to entertain myself. So how can I nourish this? I guess continue some with what I've been doing the past few days. I've been doing a lot of education research - and I feel like this theory is fomenting in my mind... something that could become some research experiments... I would like to actually follow through with them and complete the action research with my students. Super bonus would be if I can somehow tie it in to my grad work.
Emotional needs: I need to feel loved and supported - but not smothered. There is a limit to how much I can take of "Are you okay?" and "Is this okay for you?" and "How are you feeling today?" I know people just want to check in on me - but my life is really not exciting at the moment, and to be constantly reminded of it with questions about what I did today is really not helpful. It just reminds me that I'm being lazy and doing nothing to contribute. I also feel myself pulling away a bit emotionally, but I'm really trying not to. I don't know how I can nourish the emotional at the moment, other than keeping my loved ones in the loop.
Physical needs: Well... energy... I just keep working on good nutrition - doing small workouts on the Wii fit when I can. It's ridiculous how tired I get after the most basic yoga warrior pose - but that scares me a little, because it tells me how much rebuilding I'm going to have to do once this chemo is over. I'm going to have think of it like physical therapy... and hopefully I'll be able to lose some weight in the meantime. It would be nice to be back to 200 by next Christmas (it would be really nice by the end of summer, but I don't want to set myself up for failure). For ways to nourish this? Just continue with the healthy eating after the chemo - that will be vital - home made food, without too many preservatives, and keep the exercise going.
Spiritual needs: I feel in flux with my spirituality. The total hysterectomy threw me for more of a spiritual loop than anything that has ever happened to me before... all the deaths, dropping from med school, severe depression... I've survived it all with my spirituality and faith fairly in tact. My life was tripping along so well, and even the original diagnosis of cancer, while devastating, was not what knocked me down. I still felt guided by God... lead to this path... I was being shown what I would end up with... and then I was shown how totally wrong I was. I wasn't being led, because that path was just destroyed. There is no way to get near that path - there is no alternative solution. So, how could I have been so totally wrong? I know people might say, you can't know God... who was I, after all, to be so egotistical to think God would reveal plans to me. How stupid... but see, that was part of my faith - I can't believe in a God that would just have us blindly flailing about and laughing at our failures when we can't figure out which of the cups hides the penny. Life isn't a shell game. And if it is, set up by some great deity, then frankly, I don't believe that deity deserves my faith, praise or anything else. I'd rather be atheist - even if I knew there was a God, I would deny such a God.
But old habits die hard - Literally at Christmas I would have called myself an atheist, but I morphed just a little to agnostic... Of course, I was highly depressed too. For Lent, to support my husband, I gave up sweets for a brief time (you have no idea how hard that is to do when literally the only taste you can taste is sweet - it's not even about craving a cookie!) But, I was a little bitter about it, because I felt it was so stupid I should give up something for a God that I didn't believe in. Perhaps it helped me a little though - I don't know - but I did start praying occasionally again.
They are just little prayers. The first one I'm not sure even qualifies - it was more of a, if you give a shit about me, just let this pain pass... Kind of a self-fulfilling one too, because of course the pain will pass eventually.
Anyway - I feel a little lost spiritually. I don't know if I want to continue to explore with my husband, or if I just need to find my way back on my own. Or, if I just won't find my way back. And I have no idea how to nourish any of that. I know eventually I'll have to start going back to church, because my mom will guilt me otherwise... but it's going to be tough. I like singing, but don't want to sing in the choir songs I don't believe. I don't want to see happy families and little children, because that alone makes me want to burst into tears. It's going to be hard enough being a teacher. I don't want to contribute money to campaigns... I don't mind helping others - that will be the only thing I would get out of church I think, an ability to serve others. I might just have to tell my mom to back off ultimately, because I don't want to spend half of my weekends feeling depressed and crying or feeling guilty.
Well, I guess I can think of one song that still resonates with me... so I'll leave this with a song after all.
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