Nothing in particular

I have nothing in particular on my mind. I'm feeling totally overwhelmed by school and work at the moment. Then the cancer thing seems to fall behind, but I'm at this point where things are cascading fast so I can't really put anything off. I'm going to get a second opinion at the Massey Cancer Center. I'm pretty sure they will stay the same thing, considering how bad my symptoms have been this week. I was bleeding as bad as I was before the medicine, and the pain this past Wednesday night was so bad I didn't think I would be able to work the following day. It took a lot of pain killer before I felt normal enough to drag myself to bed and sleep. I went in to the doctor when I started bleeding again last week... or was it Monday? I can't remember now, it's just that bad... I think it was actually Friday. My mind is this jumbled mess.

I feel mad for no reason randomly, then I want to cry. When I'm at work, I feel like super teacher because if I pause for even a moment to consider things, I get too sad to do my job. So I throw myself into it, and hope for the best. I try not to think about what's going to happen to me when I'm helping a girl study because I'm the only one who's bothered to take the time to go through the flashcards with her. She's been failing quizzes for two weeks, and no parent bothers to do their job. And here, I could be a good parent, Wayne I know will be a good parent, and we can't have children because of my broken body. But I have to shove these thoughts to deal with later, and when later comes I feel crippled. My brain shuts off, and I then I can't get the other work I need to do done.

I didn't take a class last semester, because I got sick and just couldn't do it. I didn't know I had cancer at the time, but now I'm trying this class, and it's not too difficult, until of course this week. Suddenly we are piled high with assignments and work, and it's mostly the education B.S. stuff, and I just don't have the energy for B.S. I just wrote these stupid "goals" for work, which is basically rolling the dice and randomly chose one of my classes for them to judge if I'm a good teacher based on the scores of these few students... so I'm sick of B.S.ing at the moment. I'll get through it I suppose... probably tomorrow... but I'm still behind on grading papers. The schedule I have makes it so pretty much every day there is more stuff to grade. I keep falling behind, and when I'm out, it's worse because then there are three or four things to grade.