Faith in Hard Times

So my parents asked if we were going to church yesterday. I think they blame Wayne, which I feel a little bad about. I also feel a little bad about letting my parents down. What I don't feel bad about is skipping church. I think I've fallen into being an agnostic. I was considering this today, and it's a little depressing to think most of my life I've been deluding myself. However, after a life of seemingly being led and directed and carried when necessary, I've been left completely by myself. I'm the kind of girl who goes by her gut, and for whatever reason at many points through my life, my gut showed me ways I was being led by God or helped by God. I developed a very complex personal faith, that incorporated tenets from several major religions...


And my faith has been tested before - by people who questioned me and by circumstances and events in my life. Yet, I always came out stronger in my faith. Sometimes it changed - but it was always there. Now I feel something different - it's not even like I've been abandoned by God. I just don't feel that the deity I thought was there even exits. And you can't be abandoned by something that never was. Maybe I'll change my mind - maybe somehow this whole experience will open my eyes to some new level of enlightenment. Instead, I see a rather depressing experience ahead, devoid of uplifting life lessons. My eggs are good - which is nice - but my uterus will soon be gone. Which means, if we want children it will be quite expensive, all for the possibility it IVF might take in a stranger's womb... and then we have to somehow support our little family, when Wayne still can't find a job. It just doesn't seem like any of this could possibly work out, so I feel a little selfish trying to go through any of it, just because I feel the need to have a child. And why should I feel this need? I don't believe anymore that a God cares if we go forth and multiply, and I know the depressing statistics on human population and the thought of how close we could be to carrying capacity...

meh - I just don't know now. So I guess that makes me agnostic - I don't deny the possibility of a God (though if there is one, I doubt very much there is any thought given to the goings on of life here on Earth), but I doubt very much in the existence of such.