In my head

Every post I write starts in my head. A thought or song flits through and I start composing. I do this with stories too... usually by the time I sit down to type or write, I've got a general skeleton in my mind, or at least a significant theme or thesis, or whatever. Tonight, I've been composing in my head, but it's been about twenty different beginnings of posts... so probably very stream of consciousness tonight.

It started when I burst into tears while watching TV. There was a kid in some show, doing something, and it made me cry of course. Then I was thinking about after the surgery, how my friends will say "You're so lucky, you don't have to worry about the hassle of your period anymore."  Which, yes, I would love to stop bleeding. Nearly a year of it is enough. But, many of these friends will have children... and all I will think is you're so lucky, you have a child. You have a family and a legacy and were able to use your female parts for something worthwhile. All the while, I'll have to smile and say "Yeah, you're right... I don't have to worry about that."

I feel torn about alone time. Right now, I'm alone in the house, because hubby is watching my grandmother at my parents. My grandmother has dementia and can't be left alone. I might have gone with him, but I wanted a little alone time and figured I'd get some work down. I did get a little work done, but very quickly I began to spiral down emotionally - but that might have just been the unfortunate scenes on the shows I saw. One show had a coincidental storyline in which a father was sending his only daughter off to college. They reminisced about him looking for monsters under the bed... I cried. It wasn't even that poignant, and it's not really that type of show - but I cried. I don't like my blog to sound repetitive - probably why I never really had one, because I was afraid of being too dull and repeating myself with nothing important to say - and here I am, crying once again over the fact I won't be able to have children.

I suppose I should be all excited that next Thursday is the big second opinion, that there might be some sort of hope... but as I've always said, it's hope that kills. If you want to truly torture someone, give them hope that they can escape... hope that it will end... then rip it from them. That is how you break someone's spirit. I was so afraid of the hope that filled me last year at this time. I was in a new relationship, that I knew would be the big one... Actually, next Thursday is the anniversary of our engagement. It was so exciting - planning a future and a family. Promising him my children would be his... now I have to work to relax when he talks about his ex step kids, because I realize that unless he finds another woman outside our marriage, those children may be the only ones he ever has. I had false advertisement, saying I was ready for babies, and I thought he would be a wonderful father for them - as if I had the choice. My body at that point had already been conspiring against me. Such a great practical joke.

Meanwhile, work is crazy. I can't seem to catch up or keep up. I don't think it's the cancer necessarily. My energy isn't too terrible - but I think some of it is the fact I have cancer, and going home I don't have as much to do, and then I'm reminded of what our home will not be used for... and it's like ghosts running through the house. So I think I might be doing more than I need to at work. As a teacher, there is always more I could do... especially as a science teacher. There is new research to read and implement, there are new lessons or labs I could design, technologies to integrate, budgets to plan, there are parents to call, children to tutor... the list goes on and on and on. And somehow, this year, I'm finding myself working on more and more. There are some new things in place that I think are adding to my work load, because many of the other teachers are feeling the same way, but I think maybe it's more.. or maybe I'm paranoid, and it really is just insane at work this year.

Well, anyway - Wayne's home and I've lost my train of thought now... probably a good train to derail.