Not sleepy

Watch "Tiffany - I Think We're Alone Now" on YouTube
I feel tired all the time, and yet I can't sleep at 3am! Just going to the store for a couple items wears me out. I don't know how I can go back to school and teach with so little energy, but every one says I should focus on getting better... But I feel like a lazy couch potato, and lazy is a cardinal sin in my book.  I want to be able to work again, because it's something I do enjoy most of the time. I also feel like my mind is going, but that could also be the premature surgical menopause.  I was reading the lovely side effects of that, including heart disease, increased risk of heart attack and dementia... Because I'm not at a high enough risk for those things!

Meanwhile next post will need to be a hair post. I shaved my head, cut off all the hair and I'm going to send it to locks of love so a kid can get a nice wig. We also bought 3 wigs today. We'll see how I feel about using them. I feel like normal... I almost had this haircut once before in college. It was a mistake but I survived.  Hair is just hair... The only emotional part of shaving was that it makes the impending chemo way more real... Everything just feels way to drawn out, like the clock is ticking and the only one worried about it is me, because the hospital is booked up and too bad for me that these days might mean the difference between life and death.

But there is nothing I can do about it, so I have to breathe and try not to cry or worry or dwell on what will happen if I lose this battle. I have to take each day as it comes, and not worry if some days are lazy ones.  Every minute counts, but they don't all need to be action packed.  So far I haven't won the lottery, so I can't afford to do things that would be on a dream bucket list, or to pursue ways to adopt that only money can provide. I just have to focus on healing, which I guess means doing not much of anything at all that means anything.