Floating

So chemo started last week - it's been a whole week now. It was kind of a nightmare, because they couldn't get the port line in and had to put a PICC in, which was painful and awful. Fortunately they took that out Tuesday, but I nearly passed out when that happened. It might have been a hot flash hit me the same time some medicine hit me, but my skin was flushed white except my face that was splotched beet red. Soon after, I found out I'm anemic too, so trying to keep that under control with iron supplements, meat and lots of iron rich greens.

Meanwhile, Tuesday night I had some terrible gas, like a baby who just couldn't burp. After an hour or so of laying still, I finally started to drift off to sleep. Wayne was wrapped around me, but I had an out of body experience. I felt like I was floating miles away from him, just kind of held tethered by some thin strand. I wasn't myself anymore, and I could float away to a place where everything was different... floating backwards maybe and rewind a little over a year, to when I didn't have cancer. Now, being a science person, I'm completely aware that I had the cancer cells well before that, but it's fun sometimes to float into an imaginary world.

I feel rather disconnected from everything now. It's the end of the semester with my current students... normally I would be saying goodbyes and preparing for the next group. Instead I just kind of don't care, because I realize I won't be doing any work while on chemo. I'm so wiped, just taking a shower in the morning makes me feel like the most strenuous exercise mucking in the marsh! I unloaded the dishwasher and walked the dog today too... both quite wiping and now I'm too tired to even go to the couch and get another blanket to pile on top and keep me warm as the snow falls. I look in the mirror and see this alien face. My skin is getting drier, and whiter, and dark circles are appearing under my eyes. More eyelashes fall out everyday, so I know soon enough they will be gone too. I get splotchy and red, and my long hair is gone...

This alien creature has taken over my life, and ruined it. People check on me, and I have nothing to say, because I've done nothing. I accomplish nothing in the day - I get up, I shower sometimes (big event), I eat (another wiping event), I wander to the living room, watch tv, sleep, eat, wander to computer room... wander back... nap... eat... go to bed... Nothing accomplished in a day, and lazy is of course a major sin for me. I recognize I can't help it, and I'm not only still recovering from a major surgery, but also battling a major disease with the help of extreme poisons pumping through my body, but I feel like I'm just floating out of reach, beyond anything substantial, getting more and more disconnected from life and everyone.