What's wrong?

Everything is wrong

My own body betrayed me,  so the only thing my womb ever grew was a tumor.  The cancer ate at my insides,  and the doctors ripped out the rest.  I'll never be able to give you the children I wanted to.  I'll never have kids of my own.  Your ex step kids will always be just yours, and I can't complain when you mention them because I can't give you your own, even though it's a little stab in my heart everytime.

And tomorrow... Well in a few hours they will start pumping tons of toxic chemicals into my body hoping to stop this cancer.  It might not work. I might go through all this pain and misery and not even be here next Christmas. And if I were to die, I don't know how you would make it. I have to do all these things, like get the house in your name... And I don't know what you would do without my salary.

And we might not have much of my salary, because it all depends on if people at the doctors get it and write the right things in the blanks to convince the school system. 

And I want to be doing something useful and productive with my time, and I do love teaching, but right now I love it very much in the abstract... I get very tired thinking about trying to teach right now. Then I feel I'm failing my students, which is I guess the closest I'll come to "my" kids.

And I don't know if I'm strong enough to do this. Physically or mentally

And I feel like it's all my fault and I'm just a burden to everyone.

And everything is wrong. Plan was that I should be several months pregnant now, planning maternity leave... not cancer. And it's not fucking fair someone can have six kids and never have to worry about her paid maternity leave being approved, but I'm sitting on pins and needles hoping I won't lose months of salary.

So everything is wrong, and you can't do anything about it, but I do like when you hold me.