Watch "Island of Misfit Toys" on YouTube
I couldn't find the real Rudolph clip, but this video was cute. I'm scared tonight. My head hurts from not eating all day, so I'm sure that is contributing. I wish I could be brave and empowered and prepared to face an uncertain future. I'm terrified of going under and waking up broken. It's not like I could choose to go without the surgery and try to get pregnant.. If I don't go through with it, I just end up with a tumor that will grow until I'm dead. I just lose and I have so many fears for the future.
I miss feeling the hope. Even after I was diagnosed but Wayne held me, or when I was on the medicine getting my tattoo, or even after the fertility doctor appointment. But I feel it's gone now, and it's pretty final. I'm the misfit wife with no uterus, the woman who can never have kids. not choosing not to have kids... I'm the tragic female of the Bible... I can't fulfill my duty. Only I don't get a late in life miracle. I'm the misfit, and so ridiculous for feeling this way when so many other women have been through similar experiences. But still I'm on my island of misfit toys
No comments:
Post a Comment